things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
