Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
