the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
