toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
