I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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