I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
