Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
