I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
