Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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