just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
