I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
