Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
