You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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