i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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