Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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