My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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