And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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