so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
