meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Randomize
