Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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