I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
