she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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