I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
