Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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