Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
