woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
