Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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