I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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