I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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