I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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