Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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