Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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