i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
