i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
