Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
