I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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