Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
this boner is exhausting
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
