I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
