This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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