Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
