I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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