i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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