Got a toothbrush?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
