Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
