I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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