Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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