She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
