The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think I sprained my soul last night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
