your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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