she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
